Bring on the fat!!

Hey Everyone,

I'm finally writing a post for you.  I know it's been a long time since the last one Kurt wrote, but I have to say, it's been busy around here.  Not in a way most people would think, but when you go from just the two of you living together away from home and then back to your old life with two busy kids and a house, I've found it to be quite a change, and at times not an easy one.  Don't get me wrong, I love being home with the boys and wouldn't trade it for the world, but it's been tough adjusting.  I find myself doing everything I can for the boys and trying to be the same as I was before this all happened, but I'm still far from that but after a couple days of that I am burnt out and exhausted.  I'm having a hard time finding a balance in taking care of myself and being there as much as I can for the boys (all of them, Kurt included).  I know, in time, it will come, but I can get pretty impatient with myself.

So, what's been going on lately?  Hmm, not very much.  We had our first appointment at the Cross, it was good and all my blood work is doing what it needs to do.  They said everything looked good.  Their only concern is my weight, I'm considered malnourished, which I never thought would be a problem for me.  I have always loved food and never had a problem with eating it.  I probably over indulged a time or two.  However, now, I am not getting even close to the amount of calories needed in a day.  This has and will continue be my biggest battle.  I have lost enough weight that you can count my ribs....yuck is right.  Never in a million years did I think I would have to gain weight and fat.  But I never thought I would get cancer either.  So, I need to eat as much as I can in a day and drink and drink and drink.  The doctors at the Cross want to see me every two weeks for awhile, so they can monitor my weight and such.  But once that is a bit better, we will only be going there once a month to get blood work done and see the doctors.

I went to an appointment today at the fertility clinic at the Royal Alex.  I found out that my reproductive system has shut down which I knew could happen after chemo and the transplant.  But when they finally tell you that you can't and won't have more children, the news is hard to take.  I thought I had dealt with it and was okay with not having any more kids, but to have it so finalized, and not by your choice, is heart breaking.  I always pictured my life with a house full of kids, driving a minivan, going a million places at once, but now that will never be.  I cried the whole way home from the appointment, and when I got home I cried while I gave my little boys the biggest hug ever.  I need to keep telling myself that I will be fine and I am very lucky to have Linden and Cael in my life, and they are healthy and happy.  We have a family, even if it is only 4 of us, we are a family.

Tomorrow is the dentist.  I hate the dentist and I am very afraid of what he will tell me.  Because of the transplant, my teeth are bad, I feel it.  So I am worried that I will need fillings and stuff like that.  It's crazy, but I would rather have another bone marrow aspirate than a filling.  I'm serious.  That's how much I don't like the dentist.

Well, hopefully we will write sooner than we did last time.  I want to keep writing with updates and stuff  like that.  Thanks for all your comments and thoughts, I love reading them and they defiantly help this whole process we are going through.  Please keep praying for continued healing as my body is re-adjusting to everything.  Oh, and for me get fatter.

Love Sarah